Saturday, March 31, 2007

holy crap i'm pregnant!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!! I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, Walgreens Digital!!! My due date will be December 10 - my brother's birthday.

I've totally been thinking that I'm probably pregnant but then chalking it up to wishful thinking and deciding that I'm just crazy and my period will come. So now I hardly know how to react.

Dude and I are both sort of just stunned. Are we REALLY going to have a baby in December? How will it impact my back? (I have a bulged disc in my lower back.) I'm so glad we're moving, but not looking forward to the process. When do you tell people? Is every little twinge in my abdomen or cramp in my uterus going to send me into a panic now?

Sigh. I dunno. I wish I didn't have so much anxiety about everything in the world - maybe that would make this a little easier.

Ugh. What if it's a false positive and it isn't really real? And why am I feeling crampy? Is it psychosomatic? Am I losing my mind? When do I stop temping? What about my back? What if I carry the baby in my back or have back labor? When do i stop working? Our preschool year ends in August. I'd be 5 months pregnant. What would I do till December?

I wish I could have seen my own face when i saw the pregnancy test.

Last night as I drifted to sleep, two thoughts hit me. (Remember, this is when I was trying to convince myself that I'm not pregnant.) As I cuddled into Dude (we faced each other), I thought:

"Holy shit, I'm going to be someone's mommy.

And this is how we'll snuggle sometimes - me facing Dude with the baby in the middle. Just like this, only the baby will be out and a real live little person."

Dude is very happy and calm about the whole thing. I love him. Why is he the best guy ever? I'm worried. And kind of sad, because I've convinced myself it isn't real and that I got my hopes up for nothing.

It's times like these that I wish I wasn't crazy.

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