Saturday, March 31, 2007

holy crap i'm pregnant!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!! I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, Walgreens Digital!!! My due date will be December 10 - my brother's birthday.

I've totally been thinking that I'm probably pregnant but then chalking it up to wishful thinking and deciding that I'm just crazy and my period will come. So now I hardly know how to react.

Dude and I are both sort of just stunned. Are we REALLY going to have a baby in December? How will it impact my back? (I have a bulged disc in my lower back.) I'm so glad we're moving, but not looking forward to the process. When do you tell people? Is every little twinge in my abdomen or cramp in my uterus going to send me into a panic now?

Sigh. I dunno. I wish I didn't have so much anxiety about everything in the world - maybe that would make this a little easier.

Ugh. What if it's a false positive and it isn't really real? And why am I feeling crampy? Is it psychosomatic? Am I losing my mind? When do I stop temping? What about my back? What if I carry the baby in my back or have back labor? When do i stop working? Our preschool year ends in August. I'd be 5 months pregnant. What would I do till December?

I wish I could have seen my own face when i saw the pregnancy test.

Last night as I drifted to sleep, two thoughts hit me. (Remember, this is when I was trying to convince myself that I'm not pregnant.) As I cuddled into Dude (we faced each other), I thought:

"Holy shit, I'm going to be someone's mommy.

And this is how we'll snuggle sometimes - me facing Dude with the baby in the middle. Just like this, only the baby will be out and a real live little person."

Dude is very happy and calm about the whole thing. I love him. Why is he the best guy ever? I'm worried. And kind of sad, because I've convinced myself it isn't real and that I got my hopes up for nothing.

It's times like these that I wish I wasn't crazy.

and, i'm late!

By hours, mind you, but I've never been late before - always early.

How peculiar. It's now into the zone of "latest it's been since charting." By the way, it's my one-year anniversary of charting tomorrow. Technically today. But yeah. Ya got me. I have no clue where it is. I don't feel at all like it's coming. I feel sleepy, scratchy-throated, headachey, pukey, and grumpy. All of which i feel on a pretty frequent basis. Anyway. Maybe it will come tomorrow. Maybe my luteal phase has lengthened. Or maybe I have a cyst.

Anyway. If I sit up anymore I'm going to vomit, so I'm going to go pass the fuck out. It's been a really tiring week.

Monday, March 26, 2007

7 dpo.

I feel just awful today. Totally out of it and spacey, grossed out by the thought of eating (nausea on and off which isn't necessarily related), simultaneously hungry and full, and not to mention just being a moody little bitch. Oh, and gassy and bloated.

I feel like whenever I think I could pregnant, and I mention to someone that I don't feel well, they always mention that it might not mean I'm pregnant. WELL I KNOW THAT. I'm only 7 dpo for crying out loud. I mean, I know I looked up all these early symptoms, but I also know that it's not the be all and end all of the world. I'm crazy, not stupid.

God. I'm so grouchy. I don't know why. And tired. Oh, and can I tell you? For the first time in my LIFE, I said no to cake and ice cream (literally it is the first time in my life) because the thought of it grossed me out. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH VANILLA BUTTERCREAM ICING. With CHOCOLATE CHIPS in the fucking cake and chocolate chip ice cream. DO WE KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE CHOCOLATE CHIPS? Because the thought of them makes me want to puke a ton. That's the ONLY thing that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I might be growin' a baby, because usually I'm like give-me-chocolate-now-before-I-fucking-rip-your-arms-off, kthxbye.

Ew. Chocolate. Spew. Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit and die.

Bleh. I was gonna say that I'm gonna go have dinner, but the thought of that made me gag in my mouth, so I think instead I'm gonna cuddle the hubs and try not to fall asleep. I NEED to just cut this bitchy mood out, because I'm so annoyed by absolutely nothing, and honestly? That just fucking annoys me more.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

the waiting game.

6 dpo. I dunno, I somehow feel like it's not gonna happen this month. Which is okay. We'll have a baby at some point. It doesn't matter if it's now or in a year or in 2 years or what. But probably? Not in 2007. Which is fine by me.

I do feel weird, though. At work, we've got a stomach bug, ear infections, and a nasty cold & cough going around. I doubt I'd get the ear infection, and I've already got a mild mild mild version of the cold. But something is up with my stomach. I'm really gassy and almost-nauseous but not quite. I get gassy before my period, but not THIS bad. Dude thinks it's from dairy that I had on Friday but... why would it STILL be doing this to me? Who knows. Dairy hates me. And I have almost-nausea here and there, so. I don't think any of it's abnormal. Or necessarily preggo-related. But this is how I used to feel when I ate poorly and now I'm eating fantastically and have been feeling great all month, so I'm annoyed about the bout of tummy troubles.

I finally woke up AFTER 7 am today. At 9:30! Yay! After going to bed at, I dunno, 11:30 or midnight? I feel awake, but as if I've been run over by a truck. COMPLETELY listless. I did exercise a bunch yesterday. I feel soreness in my arms, and such fatigue, but lying down makes my stomach feel worse.

And finally, last on my list of weird? I HAVE A PIMPLE. I AM SO FREAKING PISSED. Now, you're probably telling me to shut the FUCK up, since I literally never get pimples. I used to get one a month at the most in my teen days, and then they stopped. I have dry skin. BUT MY FREAKING FACE IS OILY AND I HAVE A PIMPLE ON MY FOREHEAD. It looks like a bindi or a third eye. I haven't had a pimple in years. Dude pointed to me yesterday and said, "What's that on your forehead?" because he was that surprised at me having a pimple.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

and more.

Somehow, I'm STILL 5 dpo. Waking up at 7:30 in the morning every day sure doesn't help the time go by any faster. I mean, considering I don't have to be up for a while after that.

Things that don't help:
-Everyone's been asking me when we're gonna have a baby. Or bringing up babies and pregnancy. Since before we got married, everyone's like "DON'T RUSH INTO HAVING BABIES OMG." Now lately everyone's in the mood for a baby.
-My mom, who was in the habit of telling me several times a month that she isn't ready to be a grandma, announced today that she is, and that she can't wait to buy baby things again, and she's sorry for ever telling me she wasn't ready and she'll support whatever I do.
-My due date would be my brother's bday.
-I already know how i'd tell my parents, in-laws, our siblings, and other family members.
-Spring seems to bring out the baby fever in everyone so it's the topic of the moment wherever I go. I can't escape it.
-I have heard the word "pregnancy" more times in the past week than in the year before it. True, some of the references involved some really freaky shit, but still.
-Our new apartment would totally work if we had a baby.

It doesn't help that my most visited sites right now are mayawrap.com, random cloth diaper sites, twoweekwait.com, robeez.com (I LOVE ROBEEZ), and don't forget about carters.com. Now, I've decided that this is okay, since I occasionally go on these sites even when I know there ain't no way and no how I could be knocked up. But still, it only feeds into it, and makes the waiting longer.

I also decided that a lot of the sites are okay because my babylustin' coworker admitted to going to check out the Robeez new spring collection and said she wanted to buy the pony ones in advance. Hey, at least I haven't picked out a pattern yet. So I looked at all the new Robeez stuff, noted the stuff that the kids in my classroom have, and then found vegan alternatives like Isabooties. Those are cute!

I am so ready to have a baby; you have no idea. And I think I come off as crazier than I am. Like, I'm not resting all my hopes up on it, and my mood doesn't depend on whether or not it will happen, and I am fully aware that it is far too early to know anything and that next weekend is when things will become clear. I also know that obsessing about it won't help. That's just where I am, and I'm okay with it, so there.

drive myself crazy.

I am only 5 dpo. I drive myself insane. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know.

Anyway, I Googled "two week wait" and found all this crap on earliest pregnancy symptoms starting from like, 4 and 5 dpo, which has made me overanalyze everything MORE. Like, one symptom that i saw listed several times was as early as 4 dpo, having your gums bleed a teeny bit while brushing your teeth - if it's uncommon for you. And all this other stuff. That could just be TOTALLY random. But anyway, my gums bled when I brushed my teeth just now. And, my temps are higher than they've ever been, which was another common early symptom I found. But these ladies are just as crazy and overanalytical as i am, so, that doesn't help me.

I'm also feeling tingly/crampy/pulling sensations in my uterus, and so you know I'm overanalyzing that too. Grawr. And the most frustrating thing is that I'll have to go through it again someday. Whether I get pregnant or not this cycle, the two week wait will be in my future once more, since I want to have two (possibly three) babies. And I'm not good at waiting.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Next weekend, I'll know what's up. So why should I torture myself now?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

something brewing?

So, guess what I learned today?

Despite usually ovulating CD 26ish, I seem to have done so CD 22 (Monday). I know, I know, the whole point of FAM (in terms of trying to avoid) is that you can't predict in advance. But I did anyway, and apparently I was wrong.

Anyway. I'm fairly sure nothing will come of this. More than likely, my period will show up as expected. But, now it means I'll be waiting on the edge of my seat for the next week and a half. AUGH.